Every year, I usually pick a city and name my year after that city. 2019 was Dallas and I’ve been thinking hard about 2020 because its not just about picking the city. Every city I pick gives me a particular kind of vibe. And this year, there’s nowhere I’d rather be than London. This is the year I do my internship and when I think of London I get that professional kind of vibe. I should be graduating next year and I think I should now be focused on building my career (I say should because I haven’t been and here is the story).
I’m usually very determined to accomplish my year’s goals, and also very excited just to put them down but not this year. And its not like I don’t have a diary, I have 4 from the previous years -for the reason that I hoard diaries. Truth is I’ve been feeling so uninspired and incompetent that I decided to just write and put it on the internet and share it with someone- anyone.
I wrote my goals after the new year had started, clearly I wasn’t very determined to start the year. I wrote them half- halfheartedly and I was basically just rewriting the goals hadn’t accomplished last year- nearly all of them. I haven’t even reviewed them since I wrote them, I haven’t broken them down into actionable goals and I’m not even motivated to follow through. But that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing because even though I’ve been feeling down, today has been my worst and here’s why.
I feel like I can’t ever make the right choices and I’ve drifted away so far that I can’t trust my own decisions. My efficiency in anything I do has decreased by 80% and its costing me a lot, especially my peace of mind which I absolutely cherish. So why do I put this here now though its been going on? Well, today I took 7 hours to do what I should have done in 30 minutes. And its not like I was using my phone or watching films or walking around in between. I didn’t even go for lunch so that’s 7 hours straight of thinking and not making any progress. Did I get the work done? yes but not satisfactorily.
There’s a kind of guilt I feel just by sitting here writing this blog because it seems like I should be recovering the time I lost today (7 hours) instead of blogging. But I’ve decided to take a break for now and just calm down. I want to start over. I’m not doing that bad but I’m not doing my best either and we only get one life so I’d like to live it fully and freely. And I’ll start by taking some hygge time, watch ‘The Knight Before Christmas’ in my cozy blankets, with really thick socks. I’ll have a thermos full of raspberry tea and I’ll sip it to greatness. I’ll then sleep through my anger, fear, anxiety and impostor feelings.
So here goes to new beginnings. To living life fearlessly and beautifully.
Hygge for Savvy
I’ll write about Hygge soon so watch this space.